Who has got the cure for the sit-at-home blues? Ask Dr Grabthar. Now with bigger, easier to read font!

Monday, January 31, 2005

Life inside the cubicle part 4

(Written in early 2002)

Well, it was inevitable. Pack up my brain, stick it in a postbag and send it to someone who can use it, I don’t need it anymore. Why? I have an XBOX. That’s right; I gave up all my free will for the ability to play games and DVDs on my TV, which already shows enough junk.

If you are a male you understand immediately the dangers of owning such a device. With its Sirens call of beeps and fight noises it lures its victims to the “controller” and once there, you are in its power. Of course I am not making a gender discriminatory comment, all I am saying is women are generally too smart to even go near the damn thing. Men also are genetically disposed to have large, lightning fast, agile thumbs and slow dim-witted brains that can be easily confused by flashing lights and pretty saleswomen. I blame the repression of women throughout most of recorded history. If women had had suffrage and equal rights from the beginning we men would have had more shopping experience and would be able to shop with complete objectivity and clinical precision instead of always buying the biggest or newest thing being sold by a pretty saleswoman. The thing about XBOX and PS2 type things is that they do not need the aforementioned pretty girl. I bought my particular slave box from a small rotund slightly sweaty man. He didn’t even have to do anything, he just stood there and people gave him money. People like me. Still there is an upside to this digital mania, the good feeling that comes from performing heroic deeds.

I spent a lot of my weekend saving the earth from destruction by an alien race, all the while trying to make a meagre living on the world snowboarding circuit. And thank god I was. I didn’t see any other people defending our way of life from those alien invaders. My girlfriend didn’t understand and tried to stop me from my lifesaving quest to do other things like eat and sleep. Pfff, things like that worry me no more for I wield the power of the X, um, box, um (sigh).

My girlfriend was right though, she saw the small rotund slightly sweaty man and knew instantly that before he received his XBOX he was a tall athletic ruggedly handsome man, and she saw that the same thing might happen to me (pause for laughter). Again this is because women have inbuilt genetic warning devices, pieces of genetic code (that men do not have) that say, “If you buy that you will never leave the house again” and “I do not believe that I really am defending Earth from alien invaders, I believe that this is just some kind of false imagination device meant to trick me out of my money.” Of course women are not really like that; women in reality are just as stupid as men and buy far stupider things than men. Botox is a good example, (slogan: it’s as easy as injecting pig botulism into your face). Has anyone noticed the resemblance between XBOX and BOTOX. The names of course not the products, although how long will it be before we are required to inject ourselves with little “controller” genes in order to play games and watch DVDs.

I believe that there must be some kind of relationship between the numbers of X’s in a product and its market desirability. For example XXXX beer is one of the highest selling beers in Australia (Statistics Department of My Brain) and XXX material on the internet is generally the most highly sought after. So maybe the X to $ correlation is just determinate on the Y-chromosome which is just dumb because to make a (funny) point it should be the X-chromosome that counts.

A more pressing concern is a recent report of a man who imported into this country all the parts he needed to build a cruise missile. Note that he was a man; no woman would do that due to genes. Home handyman Bruce Simpson had all of the parts come through customs without any alarms being raised. He then posted how he intended to build the missile on the internet, http://www.interestingprojects.com/ . Now Bruce is not a terrorist, his neighbours describe him as “that Arab larrikin”, but when you combine this news with the news that Japanese officials were worried that components from PS2s could be used to guide missiles, you receive a more chilling image and a hell of a segway. Non-terrorist home handymen across the country firing legitimate missiles at unimportant patches of ground have their pride and joy hijacked by unknowing “controller” wielding people like you and me and I’m still not very good at using the controller. The main question in my mind at the moment, well the one that pertains to this piece of writing, is: why do you want to build a cruise missile, they only hit vans full of reporters? Still it must be better than sitting on the couch.

Tomorrow: How to hook up an XBOX to your work computer.

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