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Monday, January 31, 2005

Life inside the cubicle part 5

(Written in early 2003, the previous post (LITC:part4 also written in 2003-blame my memory)

As many of you already know, I am something of a “sports buff.” By this I mean that I have the good sense to keep sport roughly three to six feet from me at all times and (if possible) contained within a television. I had an exercise regime once; however this was an evil regime and I had to overthrow it. Seriously though, there is a big season of rugby ahead of us, and with this one sentence most of the girls who may be foolishly reading this, have now stopped. However they should start again because all that a new rugby season means is a chance to rate our sporting ‘hunks.’ I am of course referring to an article in the Dominion Post which discovered that Wellington rugby players were well below the Aucklanders in terms of sex appeal. What does this have to do with rugby? Well, in the end more Auckland players were selected for the All Blacks. “Sex sells” is the catch phrase of the NZRFU for 2003. Notice how droopy old Christian Cullen was dropped for pretty-boy Douglas Howlett III. You may argue that the reason more Auckland players were selected is because Auckland made it to the final and Wellington did not. You may even be right, but what you are not, is right.

You see, the cunning plan of the AB selectors has been to pick the sauciest of NZ playing elite in the hope that France or maybe even Australia will field a team of women. These ladies will then be blown out of their cleats when our oiled-up boys hit the field. Dancing around the star struck girls will be easier than getting into a waterfront bar fight and they will all surely be lining up to get “tackled” by super-hunks like Carlos Spencer and Anton Oliver (that is a rugby joke, Anton is uglier than…well, everything).This sex-technique of the NZRFU starts at the top, by the way, with dirty old John Mitchell, always fluttering his long eyelashes at you and talk of hugging his players for comfort, what a dreamboat.

This phenomenon has gone so far now that the news website Xtramsn.co.nz has a page dedicated to “Sexy Sports Stars.” This is what the page has to say about new AB Daniel Carter: “he is damn fine”, they also say: “He's exciting on the field, and we're sure he would be very exciting off it too.” Many other top sports people are listed as “damn fine” on this webpage: Shannon Paku (Auckland rugby player); Anna Scarlett (Netballer); and Kimi Raikkonen (F1 driver) who is also listed as “red hot” and “good under pressure” (which I am sure is a double entendre). These sporting celebrities do not want to be called “fine”, unless one is talking about their performance on the sporting surface of their choice; they want to be known because they are good at sport. If all one has to do to be selected for a national sports team is have a nice butt or a good set of whatever then why bother playing sport at all (I have both of those attributes and I don’t play sport). Hang on a second was that my point? No, right, got it again, my point is that are they still attractive when they are not winning? No. This is why the Hurricanes were less attractive than the Blues, because they were losers and nobody likes losers.

So here is a revised NZRFU plan, just in case the opposition do not field teams of girls, make the team look like winners before they even hit the field. Below I have given a brief example of on-field dialogue

Ugly English Player 1: Righto boys here they come let’s give ‘em ‘ell

Ugly English Player 2: Oh no Bill, look at ‘em, their bloody beautiful, how we gonna beat them then eh?

Ugly English Player 1 (Bill): Christ, your right lets give up now.

Also it seems that rugby players get the most attention in this area of New Zealand sport-sex-appeal, (with the exception of Bernice Mene and her undies). Why not other sports, like bowls? Think how easy it would be pun about “rolling the balls from their hands” and “trying to hit the Jack.” Or maybe horse racing? You could say things like “he rode her to a stunning finish” or “no whipping was necessary for him to come first by a head.”

And when it comes to world coverage we are stuck arguing about David Beckham’s hair or something about Anna Kournikova or about two dogs getting married in Connecticut. “What’s that?” you say, “Dogs? Married? Mike Hosking?” Yes, that’s right Mike Hosking has put a temporary stop to all this celebrity nonsense by suing a bunch of “women’s” magazines so they will stop showing photos of his kids and instead show photos of him ranting about the photos of his kids. And he is right, (you never heard me say that), if you want to see “damn fine” men and women there is plenty of porn on the net (apparently), leave our sporting elite alone to just play their games and bring back glory and trophies and what-not. I’m going to do my bit by watching netball without thinking “pass it to the cute one.”

P.S. this is the link to the dog marriage story


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