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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

[General] The Real List of Fury (part 2)

Mike reminded me the other day that I had left some people off the “List of Fury”. I had written it in six minutes before I went home and so the amount of thought was minimal. The entries are not in any order either. So, the following is an addition to the original:

6. Mark Ellis
He hasn’t done anything for a while that has seriously pissed me off but he stays in the list for historical crimes against my brain.

[NOTE: Actually just last night I saw that he and Matthew Ridge (who is hoping desperately for money now that he owes so many people so much) have got a new TV show where they are in Japan doing stupid shit. Looks like the type of thing where they will start saying "Me rikey vely much". I hope they overindulge on Fugu.]

7. Savage
For making his album appear really good, for making the first 30-odd seconds of each track to be excellent and for disguising the fact that each song (and in turn the whole album) is just a big ad for Savage. You expect that of most Hip-hop artists but every song (including Rock Like Me, which is an ad for Dawn Raid clothing). I should’ve bought Hollie Smith instead (and so should you!)

8. Idiot Girl
The girl who drifted into my lane the other day and cut me off because she didn’t check her blindspot (and when she did see me she kept on drifting across despite the fact that I was blasting my horn at her). I pulled up next to her at the lights and she was texting!!! (Yes, this does deserve three exclamation points).

9. Guy at the BP service station
Bro, you work at a service station. You are not cool. If I was allowed to fill my own gas bottle I would do it, but it’s a job you have to do. Do not make me wait outside in the cold just so that you can look all staunch when you saunter on out. You looked like a dick. Everybody hates their job (well most people) but don’t take it out on me. Oh and your girlfriend told me to tell you “it’s over”.

10. Woman at parliament with her dog
OK, so the law says your dog has to be on a leash in public areas during the day. It is also a good idea to feed your dog. When your dog takes a dump on the lawn outside parliament (where people let their little kids run around) pick it up! If you can’t follow these rules: stay away.

11. New Zealand TV sports shows
They are still bollocks. Special mention to ex-cricketer Simon Doull: Hi Simon, (can I call you Doully?), you suck!

No wait that’s too harsh and sounds like I’m ranting. Simon Doull, you repeat the opinions of idiots off sports talkback, your ideas are loosly based on opinion rather than fact, you repeat yourself but you are slightly better than host Andrew Saville. Hi Andrew, (can I call you Saveloy?)…

12. Guy in the building across the road
Quit copying me when I stretch. Else I will be forced to mention you in my blog. Oh yeah, I can see you. Go and talk to the girl two seats down from you; she’s been on the phone for ages now.

13. The Sweet Chilli Philly ad (Philadelphia cream cheese covered in "decadent" sweet chilli sauce).
The one with the women who are angels. I hate that ad so much (no one gets angrier at the tv than I do). If it’s heaven, then the table wouldn’t break and if the table did break it would be easy to put together a new one (because it’s heaven!). The fridge opens by itself but the table can’t put itself together? And what are they implying when they ask how the table was broken? These aren’t angels, these are marketers.

14. My partner
Who bought Sweet Chilli Philly on the weekend. Thus sending the message to the (devil) marketers that their advertising was spot on. (Just kidding Honey, I would never really put you on this list).

15. Me
For liking the Sweet Chilli Philly and thinking about buying it at the supermarket last night. I then purchased the new sugar free “sweet as” L&P. Because, as mentioned by Naomi Klein in The Corporation (a must see), the marketers listened to what we (the people) wanted (i.e. Kiwi retro) and sold it back to us. It would just be rude of me not to buy it after they listened so well. Wouldn’t it?

16. The Guy at the Supermarket
I hate going to the supermarket in general. It is always full of weirdoes (actually this time I met my friend Morag there the other day, Morag is not considered part of the weirdoes).

How many of you have seen Clerks? Oh really, not as many as I thought. Ok, in Clerks there is a scene where this woman goes through the fridge of the convenience store looking for the bottle of milk with the longest “best before” date. At the supermarket the other day there was this guy doing that exact thing with loaves of Vogel’s Bread.

Just to give him a bit more depth for you readers I will give a description of the man (flesh him out, so to speak): short (maybe 5’6”); balding; rotund (I like that word, it's so descriptive) he was almost a perfect circle; bright red polar fleece jersey; glasses; and a cell phone clipped to his belt in a faux-leather cell phone pouch. You know the type. I saw another of his clan outside Dymocks last week. This one was staring intently at the display of Star Wars III paraphernalia in the window while holding, in one hand, a hamburger, and in the other, a greasy McDonalds bag.

Normally I would let the man (supermarket version) have his little craziness, but, he was blocking off access to all the Vogel Bread with his trolley and was taking his sweet time. Moreover he had previous blocked an aisle I was trying to get down while him and some old lady looked long and hard at tomato sauce.
…anger rising…

17. *NEW ENTRY* The Foot and Mouth Terrorist
By merely making the threat of releasing a vial of Foot and Mouth this idiot could cost, the Reserve Bank estimates, $10 billion within the next two years. One small market has already closed its doors to NZ meat until it can be satisfied, agriculture minister Jim Sutton says more will probably follow.

This was all done for a “ransom” demand of “a large sum of money” and a revision of the government’s tax laws. This guy (or girl) needs to be found and strung up by his buster-browns (I’m actually not to sure what that means, but it sounds good).

The same goes for the muntards who threatened to release stoats into native bird sanctuaries and the genius who smuggled the rabbit killing calicivirus (also called Rabbit Haemorrhagic Disease [RHD]) into the country and then released it. What the hell are you thinking? Doing that will do the following: make all of the country hate you for being an idiot (like killing all of our native birds so you can introduce Australian possums will make us like you); make the government spend more money on the environment (because the environment is THE most important thing, without it we can’t live, and they’ll have to clean up your mess); and make the government tighten its security measures (which will impact all of us).

Not to mention the fact that we have had hundreds of years to learn that introduced species (or viruses) are generally not a good idea, in fact it is almost 100% the case that they are a very, very bad idea. Even NZ snails are infesting the US now. Here read this.

Nice one, dick.

There will be a new and different list with a different theme coming (hopefully) later today so check back for that one.

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