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Friday, February 04, 2005

Life inside the cubicle part 7

This is still old (circa July 2003) but is to be juxtaposed with the blog the follows it.

Shit. It’s been a while since one of these came out. How have you guys been? Good? So many things have been happening to talk about. Let’s start with the national “IQ” test.

I say “IQ” because really the only thing “IQ” tests measure is your ability to do “IQ” tests, (my girlfriend will be happy to know I used her joke). This is not sour grapes because I did badly (I am in fact Mensa level [upturn nose], however after having seen the Mensa people they had on TV I wish I wasn’t like them at all), but because the questions were stupid, the sample of “New Zealanders” was stupid and the whole thing took 3 stupid hours. Again, I’m not bitter. The only thing that it really showed was that I have great patience to sit watching a crap show for three hours and that Lana Cocroft is smarter the Simon Dallow. For example does Simon Dallow know that the Sleeper (or Greenland) Shark eats Caribou? No, I imagine he does not.

Did you notice (those who watched the thing), how smug the “psychologist” was when everyone complained about the use of BEDMAS (or BIDMAS) in the arithmetic section? Firstly, for those who are not maths savvy, BEDMAS stands for Brackets, Exponential (or Indices in BIDMAS), Division, Multiplication, Addition and Subtraction. This is the order that operations should be performed in an equation. In maths and science one takes this for granted and uses BEDMAS in the equation pretty much without thinking, in the real world however, most calculators do not even have BEDMAS and so BEDMAS should be specified before any equations are given to general old Joe Public. This smug bastard did not specify and should be hung up by his balls for the mistake. I have so much to vent about that test but for brevity I will just say this:

What comes next in this sequence? C U N _

Why is it so cold? I can handle a lot of things (those who really know me know this is a lie and that I complain all the time about everything), but cold and wind I cannot. The hills I can see from my cubicle are dusted with snow like the shoulders of a person with dandruff. That is to say I could see them because the insanely cold wind has covered the hills with thick (and most likely cold) clouds. Cold seems to be way of life for many New Zealanders south of Cook Strait. They live year to year with snow falls of 8 to 9 metres with usually no ill-effects. Northerners; however, seem to fall apart at the first snowflake, normally driving straight off the road.

I am from the north, specifically from the sunny Bay of Plenty, (motto: Old people gotta live somewhere). Snow does not exist in the BOP; even snow on television will start to melt if viewed in the BOP. This means when I moved to the harbour capital of Middle Earth (motto: What wind?), I had a hard time fitting in with what the locals would call “bracing” weather. I call it “bracing” because one must tie oneself to flagpoles and the like to stay in one place. This strange acceptance of harsh cold windy weather as the norm by Wellingtonians is a strange thing for me, especially when they try to explain why the weather is worse in other major centres. I have lived in Auckland for a longish time and I have never seen the type of weather that Wellingtonians believe is there, nor do I believe their stories of “fire storms” in Dunedin. The recent by-law to remove homeless people from Wellington’s streets was actually a plan to lower the numbers of polar bears attracted to the “easy prey”. This by-law had the full backing of John Banks by the way, and upon learning this Wellington Mayor Kerry Prendergast was heard to say: “Oh Giant Fuckballs [sic], that’s just great. Why don’t we just go and get an endorsement from Hitler!”

What else has been happening, oh that’s right, a runaway circus monkey trashed the women’s toilets in a German pizzeria. The world press’ well oiled journalism machine did not miss this news bonanza! Naturally the pizzeria did not want to be named and refused to answer any questions on how the (clearly) male monkey gained such easy access to the women’s toilets. It was mentioned later that John Banks had backed the monkey’s escapades; however he would still be forced to throw pensioners out of their homes.

Speaking of John Banks, Stonehenge is now believed by archaeologists to represent female genitalia. If so Stonehenge, the Stone Age cosmic calculator, may be the world’s first example of computer porn. But seriously, if you were creating a thing like Stonehenge would you really think of doing that.

Stonehenge contactor: “Hey Bill, the last stone is in almost in place, but the lads and I were just wondering what you based this on?”

Stonehenge designer (Bill): “Oh, um…nothing. Why?”

Stonehenge contractor: “Well we were going over the plans and it’s just that it looks kinda like a giant…”

Stonehenge designer: “Hahahaha (nervous), don’t be stupid”

Apparently the altar is the clitoris. If you were the priest (or even priestess), and you knew about the altar, you would be able to touch it without thinking: “Oh my god this is a giant clitoris!” I know I couldn’t.

Lastly the NZ American football team, the “Iron Blacks,” are playing the Australian “Outbacks” at Eden Park on July 19. Go along and support them. American stuff just doesn’t get promoted enough over here, poor devils.

PS. what kind of name is “Iron Blacks?” Why not the NZ “Toilet-Destroying Monkeys.”

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