[General] You Have Already Won

An interesting booklet accompanied my AA (that’s AAA for Americans) magazine this month (yes I’m an AA member wanna make something of it?). Magnamail have sent me their latest catalogue with quite a promise on the cover.

I have definitely won $5000. Or maybe a filigree garnet pendant or a Citizen watch. I didn’t even know I had entered anything. But the good people at Magnamail have said that I have definitely won something. All I have to do is purchase stuff from their brochure.

So let’s leaf through the pamphlet then shall we? I only have 14 days before I lose whatever it is I have won so I’ll just give it a skim and pick out the best bits. It all looks so good though. Oh, and if I spend more than $55 they’ll give me a free pair of ceramic duck salt and pepper shakers, in their words “something to quack about”.

Never Scrub Your Toilet Again! Let the Mineral Magnet ($9.90) do it for you. This will keep your toilet mineral free for up to 5 years or 50,000 flushes. So what they meant was Never Scrub Your Toilet for 5 years!

Holy Bible Key Ring (was $9.90, now $8.90). This 4 x 3.3 x 1cm Old Testament hangs on to your keys and bottle openers and whatever else you want. Remember how you can never remember what God said while you’re driving; well now you can look it up! Maybe pull over first.

Screen Door Repairer (five for $12.20). “Even the smallest hole in your fly screen will let any number of bugs and pests into your house”. Um…isn't a screen door made up of small holes? I don’t think I’ll buy this.

The Feminine Design Incontinence Panty! Actually let’s forget I mentioned this one.

My absolute favourite item in the whole brochure is a set of 12 Mind Teasers ($14.90). They are those clear plastic cubes with ball bearings and a plastic thing in them, the idea being to get the balls into the hole or through the “maze” etc.

…“these Teasers not only help with hand co-ordination they’re educational too.” How are they educational? Maybe it will teach my child (or me) that ball bearings are difficult to control. But it definitely does help with hand co-ordination, not hand-eye co-ordination; the hand will be co-ordinated with itself.

But this is my favourite bit and the part that first caught my attention. In large red letters the brochure proclaims that the Mind Teasers are “Hours of Endless Fun!” But if the fun is endless then…

Accompanying the Magnamail brochure was a small pamphlet from the Zealand Publishing House in Tauranga. Splashed across the top was the advertising pitch of the millennium:

“At last a Bible you can easily read and understand”
Shit, they need to ship that one to Ireland and the Middle East fast!

This new version is only half the length of the traditional Bible but still contains the “spiritual upliftment” of the original. Other features include:

• All words of God are in bold type to as to be distinguishable
  
• The book is printed on “white Bible paper”
  
• The books of Matthew Mark and Luke have been combined to save time and effort.
  

One reader is quoted as remarking “I’m getting so much out of this book”. This reader had most likely just read the section that details wise King Solomon’s words of wisdom about how to “prosper financially”.

This new version of the Bible also contains beautiful love stories including the Song of Solomon (described as a “Cinderella type love story”). The love stories include details of Jesus “interacting with both woman and men”. Perhaps the Da Vinci Code didn’t delve deep enough into Jesus’ life.

I am going to stop here but if you would like a copy of this pamphlet email and I’ll do my best to get a copy to you.

Actually if someone in the Wellington area has a scanner I can put it up here.

Toodle-oo