[General] F*cktards Uncut

Listen up fucktards. Actually I’m pretty sure that no fucktards actually read this. In fact I’m pretty certain fucktards don’t read anything.

So listen up fucktards in a virtual sense. Readers please pass these pearls of information onto any fucktards that you may know.

Fucktards, if you don’t know anything about an issue, shut up. I know it can be hard, but seriously, shut the **** up. Mad Butcher, National Party members; I am looking in your direction; which is hard because you’re not all in the same place.

What is this morning fucktard-commentable issue?

The Food Safety Authority is doing a review of food practices. It is the first major review of food controls in 25 years and is intended to be used to set up regulations whose objectives would include reducing the New Zealand food-poisoning rate, which is the highest in the developed world.

The last paragraph is a paraphrased version of the most important part of the NZ Herald article. If you read that, you are of course not a fucktard and do read, you would say to yourself “that sounds reasonable”.

I will now tell you what Food Safety Authority executive director Dr Andrew McKenzie said in the article. I will place Dr McKenzie (Andy) near the beginning because the Herald buried him near the end. Andy said that the FSA wanted as little regulatory intervention as possible. "Especially in areas like this that are almost icons of Kiwiana, but, at the same time, [the FSA] must ensure risks to the public are minimised."

Sounds very reasonable.

The Herald article’s headline was, however, “Classic Kiwi Sausage Sizzle Under Threat”.

Feel any different now?

The Mad Butcher, Peter Leitch sure did. Mr Leitch “has been involved in fundraising sausage sizzles for 35 years” and he thought the review was a "load of rubbish". He continued, "I don't see why we should be changing. It's another nail into the coffin of freedom in this country. People have sausage sizzles outside the Warehouse, or outside the Mad Butcher - no one gets sick or dies. To me it is just ludicrous."

Strong words; strong words. Thanks for the concern Pete, can I call you Pete? I assume that you guys are already following these guidelines about BBQing. See the last time I got a sausage from a Sausage Sizzle was a week or so ago (it was free too!). The snags weren’t kept cold before cooking, the same tongs were used for the raw meat, the cooked meat AND the onions. The only good thing was that the people were all wearing gloves. [please note I still ate it (did I mention it was free!). I also assume that you’ve read all of these Pete, because the Classic Kiwi Sausage Sizzle® has had regulatory rules for a long ol’ time.

You see this is what I mean about fucktards. Pete said that the review was a “load of rubbish”. A review of public safety is a load of rubbish? And at this stage it’s still just a review. What happens if the FSA says Sausage Sizzles are fine as they are? Is it still a load of rubbish? Fucktards (sorry I can’t stop saying it now). “Another nail into the coffin of freedom in this country”, I mean, come on!

Then again this man is a peddler of meat products (and a very successful one too). His alter-ego is a name usually reserved for psycho killers. Can we really expect a decent quote on an issue from this man? The Herald thought so. And in defence of Pete, I doubt the Herald would have given him the full story. Still a non-fucktard would say “I hope that the FSA don’t impose more regulations on the Classic Kiwi Sausage Sizzle®.”

Pete’s assumption that the review would impose more regulations could lead one to suspect that maybe some thing is rotten in the Classic Kiwi Sausage Sizzle® world. Doth the butcher protest too much? Well doth he?

Still it wouldn’t be a minor issue in an election year without a National Party member going off on a non-informative anecdote.

National MP Katherine Rich (Kath) said she “knew a woman who, after 15 years at the Wanaka A&P Show, was giving up selling her homemade jam to raise funds for Save The Children” and that “more rules meant she may have to register her kitchen.”

Um…do I have to point all of the flaws out? No wonder Labour don’t bother hassling these guys, it would take too bloody long. Just don’t get recorded calling one of them a “fucktard” in a select committee. A woman is giving up selling jam after 15 years; is she giving up because of the review? Well the review is still being conducted so probably not. Maybe she made crap jam. Maybe she can’t be bothered making bloody jam anymore. Have you ever made jam? It’s quite laborious.

I hate election years. Prepare for more meaningless anecdotes. Oh Kath by the way, anecdotal evidence is usually the worst kind (yes, I am aware of how qualitative evaluation works). I know someone whose daughter got seriously ill after eating a sausage from a Classic Kiwi Sausage Sizzle®. See how they work both ways?

Well that’s enough about sausages. But I’m not finished with fucktards.

Reading Hard News yesterday got me all riled up. I already knew that Donald Brash was a fucktard, but I never knew how much of one he was. Turns out he is a climate change denier. Sigh. Will someone who knows his email address please send him this. Mr Brash, who am I kidding, I can call you Donny can’t I? Donny wants to see evidence that says that global warming (please read: climate change) is happening and that it is being caused by humans before he will consider ratifying the Kyoto Protocol. There is evidence everywhere someone just give it to him already.

Oh Donny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling.

See this isn’t a rant about sausages or about climate change. It’s mainly about fucktards. Keep your mouths shut.

The end.
Ps. remember: end of the world coming soon.